More debate on broodiness

[djpsyche]

Mainly in case ford_prefect42 doesn't come back to my previous post.

"I kinda figure that everyone has an inborn compulsion to reproduce. It's kinda evolutionary."

It's an interesting theory and I'd like to pick it apart.

If you could define "an inborn compulsion to reproduce" as "a curiosity as to what their offspring would look/be like," then yeah, I do think that everyone has probably pondered on this at some point in their lives.

The fact is that I am an exception. I have no compulsion to reproduce; never have. Only a few moments in my life has a viable argument in favour of breeding entered my head:
- Once, in my late 30s, when it occurred to me that having children is the only means of preserving any bit of one's youth and vitality.
- Once when I felt a tinge of regret that my musical talent wouldn't be passed on to any future generations.

But those arguments were quickly overruled by logic: In the first case, I reasoned that this was as may be, but still didn't make all the downsides worthwhile; in the second case, I realised that there was no guarantee any child of mine would be musically talented, and in the split second thereafter I realised that this is where so many parents go wrong -- having expectations for kids that aren't even born yet, and who inevitably disappoint them by not exhibiting the combination of inherited traits the parents desired.

What Bill's question prompted me to ask myself was: If I were male, would his theory apply to me? In other words, do I actually possess an "inborn compulsion to reproduce" which has been decisively overruled by my stronger desire to not go through pregnancy and childbirth?

In my two previous long-term relationships, my male partners have expressed the desire to have kids. Easy for them to say, was my reaction. But I loved my grown-up partner enough that I actually considered whether there were any conditions under which I'd be willing to become a parent, for their sake. The absolute conditions on this would have been: I don't have to give birth (so adoption); we could skip the earliest, neediest years, before the kid could communicate verbally and use the toilet on its own (so adopting an older child); and they, not me, would be the primary caregiver. In other words, I could never be a mum, but perhaps I could be a dad. In the end the deciding factor was that even if all of my conditions for parenthood were met, if anything happened to my (actual or hypothetical) partner, I'd end up being a single parent to a child I never actually wanted. And no child deserves that. So thus ended the thought exercise.

A hypothetical "inborn compulsion to reproduce" could be overruled by other factors besides not wanting to endure pregnancy and childbirth. For instance, there's the cynic's argument of not wanting to bring a child into a world which is facing imminent ecological and economic devastation. There's also the survivor-of-abuse argument; some people's parents were so horrible as to put them off even the idea of ever being a parent themselves. These motivations are not gender-specific. I've known people in both categories, and am firmly in the first camp myself. Are these motivators sufficient to override the "inborn compulsion", or are they evidence that this "inborn compulsion" is in no way universal?

Because it's really hard to overrule actual inborn compulsions. Look at people who are gay and try to suppress it, for instance. If people were actively suppressing a compulsion to breed, rather than just not having one in the first place, then pretty much everyone would at some point change their mind about having kids, or regret missing their chance. And not everyone does. So no, I think the existence of people who are truly happily child-free into old age disproves the theory.

Counter arguments?

Comments

[robot-mel.livejournal.com]

When I was younger I assumed I would have them. Even dated someone I assumed I would have them with. Then it was something I thought more and more about. The more I thought about it, the less I could justify it. I spent my maternal instinct looking after people with disabilities instead. For me the difference is between a well thought out argument, and one that just goes "oh it's human nature". Which to me is just BS. If people have thought about it, and for whatever reasons can't adopt or foster, then that's different. But just to have them without thought because it's "evolutionary instinct" is foolish and ends up hurting the planet.

When people I know breed I compliment them on their parenting skills, I'm glad I know people who are good parents. But I never congratulate anyone on getting pregnant.

[djpsyche.livejournal.com]

I do, or would, fault people for having more kids than would be sustainable for the population if everyone had that many kids.

I never assumed I would have kids. It has never been part of a life I envisioned for myself. I always saw myself as way too young to even think about having kids until one day I realised I was now too old ;)

I congratulate people on getting pregnant because I know that's what they want, and I should be happy that they are in a situation that makes them happy. But I always privately add "better you than me!"

[beluosus]

When I was 7 or 8 my mum told me that one day I would grow up and have kids of my own. I have never been more horrified of the future at any point in my entire life -- including fears of Ronald Reagan dragging the world into nuclear armageddon.

It was so much better when I realised my mother's views of the world were only based on her own opinions and not univeral truths.

[djpsyche.livejournal.com]

I remember my mother making general "when you have kids of your own" comments, but I guess I never really internalised them or took them personally, as they always seemed directed at my sisters and me as a group, rather than me individually -- and "someday" things rather than obligations. (I guess also being told "someday you'll have a figure" and it not happening made the "someday you'll have kids" thing less of a certainty.) I felt far more direct pressure to finish university and have a good career so I wouldn't be financially independent on a husband like my mother was.

[beluosus]

The conversation was actually about the entire rest of my life being charted. You'll finish grade school then go to middle school then...

I'd be curious to know what she told my sister, but I suspect it leant more towards traditional gender roles than having a career of her own.